Questions to ask a parent about childhood: start with an ordinary day

Ask if they're in the mood for a story

Start by saying why you want to know. Try: "I realised I know very little about your life at twelve. Would you tell me a bit about it? We can leave out anything you don't fancy talking about."

Find a quiet moment that suits them and keep a few prompts nearby. A favourite photograph might get you further than a questionnaire. They might prefer to write something down or talk another day; let them choose.

Ask permission before recording audio or video. Explain where you'll keep it and who will be able to hear it, and make it clear they can stop you. Ask separately before posting the conversation, sending it to relatives or using it in a song. Agreeing to a chat doesn't settle all those questions.

Begin with an ordinary day

An ordinary day is a manageable place to begin. It leaves room for a childhood that was happy in some ways and difficult in others, without asking them to nominate their "happiest memory" before the kettle has boiled.

• When you woke up on a school day, what could you hear?
• Where did you eat, and who usually sat near you?
• What was the journey home like? Did you ever take the long way?
• When you had an afternoon to yourself, where did you go?

When they mention a room, ask where things were. Stay with a sound or smell for a moment: "Was that there every day?" Let them describe it in their own order. You can check an address or date later.

Ask about the people who aren't in the albums

The person who mattered most at ten might be missing from every family photograph. Ask about whoever lived with them, looked after them or made an ordinary afternoon better.

• Who did you look for when you wanted company?
• Was there someone outside the family who made you feel welcome?
• What did you and a friend do that the adults never quite understood?
• Who taught you something you still use?

If a nickname brings a story back, ask how people used it. "Was that an affectionate name?" gives them room to tell you it wasn't. Keep a person unnamed if that's what your parent wants.

Find out what they did when nobody was marking it

School can be a useful starting point, but let them decide how long to stay there. If they didn't attend, moved often or would rather talk about something else, ask about the rest of the day.

• Was there a part of the day you looked forward to?
• What were you good at that nobody at school seemed to notice?
• What did you make, collect, play or practise?
• Was there a song, book or programme you wanted everyone to know about?
• What felt grown-up to you then?

They might want to talk about drawing imaginary houses or knowing every word of a favourite song. Ask what they enjoyed about it before offering an adult explanation of why it mattered.

Leave difficult subjects optional

Moving home, money, illness, loss and family relationships may come up. Ask whether they want to talk about a subject before asking for details. They can leave it alone without explaining why.

• Would you like to tell me about moving, or would you rather stay with the place you remember best?
• Is there anything about that period you want me to understand, without going into the details?
• Would you like to talk about who was around then, or leave that part out?

"That was a hard year" can be the whole answer. Try: "Thank you for telling me. Shall we leave it there?" If they become uncomfortable or say no, pause, change the subject or finish. Don't try to fill in a skipped answer later through another relative.

You can offer a broader question: "What was different by the time you were a teenager?" or "Is there something about growing up then that people misunderstand now?" They choose how much to say, including nothing.

Let a good answer interrupt your plan

When something catches your attention, ask one short follow-up and wait. A pause doesn't need rescuing every time. Keep the feeling open too: "What was that like for you?" gives them more room than "Were you frightened?"

Offer to check a place name later if they want. Write down when a date is uncertain. Your parent can tell you what they remember even when family versions disagree.

A fictional example: the missed bus

This conversation is invented. Ruth is telling her adult daughter Leila about coming home from school.

Leila: "What was the journey home like?"

Ruth: "Slow. We always missed the first bus."

Leila: "What did you do while you waited?"

Ruth: "Mina’s dad repaired radios. We stood by his shop door listening to the football scores."

Leila: "So you were trying to put off going home?"

Ruth: "No, I liked being home. Mina and I just wanted a bit longer together. She moved away the next year."

Leila guessed the reason; Ruth corrected her. The next question could be "What do you remember about Mina?" Let Ruth's answer change the direction of the conversation.

A careful note might read: "Ruth remembers missing the first bus with Mina. While waiting, they listened to football scores outside Mina's father's repair shop. Ruth says she wanted more time with her friend. School year uncertain." It keeps her explanation and leaves the date open.

Read a little back before you pack up

Ask, "Is there something I didn't ask that you'd like me to know?" Then read back one or two details. Check spellings, relationships and anything you plan to quote. Give them an easy chance to say, "That's not quite what I meant."

Separate what they said from what you made of it. "She laughed when she described the bus stop" records something you noticed. "Those were the happiest days of her life" supplies a meaning she may never have intended. Ask before putting that meaning in your notes.

• Write down when the conversation took place and who was speaking.
• Mark dates, names or events that remain uncertain.
• Note anything they asked you to leave out or keep private.
• Ask whether they want a copy and whether they would like another conversation.

Ask whether they'd enjoy another chat, without promising a series of interviews to finish the list. A short conversation they enjoyed is enough; another story may arrive later.

Choose together what could become a song

You might simply want to keep the conversation. If you'd like to make a song, ask which memory your parent would be comfortable using and who they'd be happy to have hear it. Check permission before uploading a recording, notes or transcript to any service. Names and private details can stay out.

In Ruth and Leila's invented story, a song could stay with those extra few minutes beside the radio shop. It doesn't need to squeeze a whole childhood into the chorus.

Our guide to turning memories into a song helps with choosing a scene and deciding what you want the song to say. Start with what the memory means to your parent, then choose the details together.

When you're both happy with the idea, you can start a song for your parent in MyBand Life. Use only what they've agreed to share, and check the names and story before creating it. The conversation can also be enough for today.

Further reading for a family conversation

For other approaches, explore StoryCorps’ Great Questions and the Smithsonian Archives’ oral-history guide. The questions and fictional example in this article were written for MyBand Life; they are not copied from those collections.